I'm feeling like the biggest downer but I've also been told that getting things out and onto "paper" is a good way to heal. So I intend to have more uplifting posts as time goes by but right now I'm struggling.
I feel like I'm running on empty. Losing my mother has sapped so much of my focus and energy. Struggling financially doesn't help either. I need a steady income but my inability to focus sometimes gets in the way of figuring out how to solve that problem. And my children require so much more than I feel like I can give them right now. They need fun and energy and I'm lucky I get meals on the table and a DVD in the machine.
I want to be that fun mommy who does projects and bakes cupcakes but lately I just want to make sure they are occupied so that I can go curl up and cry ... again. I love them more than anything in the world. I want to find the joy again so that we can have the wonderful kind of relationship that I shared with my mother. I don't want them growing up thinking "Mommy cries all the time."
People keep telling me to give myself more time; grieving takes time. I understand that but I need time to go faster. I want to regain some control over my life. I'm tired of waking up with a knot in my stomach every morning. I'm tired of feeling anxious all the time. It's time to move forward and I'm struggling with figuring out how. The women I grew up around (my mother and her mother) were the type who could say I'm fine and bury their hurt. Some would say that their way wasn't so healthy but they functioned in the world in a way I'm finding myself unable to. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and I guess I still do.
Only now it's broken.